Do you still remember the excitement of that first touch, first hug and first kiss with your beloved? Do you recall how amazing it felt to just hold hands and look into each other’s eyes? Can you remember how time stood still when you were together? Do you – more or less consciously – wish that you could feel same way again, even just for a day?
After speaking to over 1,000 clients from all walks of life, I’ve observed that it’s extremely rare to encounter someone truly satisfied with their (long-term) relationship. It seems that once the honeymoon period ends, we accept the reduced flame of passion as the love life becomes less of a priority for us. And of course this does not mean the end of the relationship, but it definitely means a transition to a new phase with less sex and less touch.
Keeping the fire of passion alive and well takes time and effort, however, most couples don’t know where to begin. And this is where Tantra comes in. Tantra offers us simple to use, tried and tested practices to deepen intimacy, increase desire and communicate in a more open and authentic way. In the world of stress, to-do lists and constant rush, I see Tantra as a beautiful antidote for the routine that develops in any romantic relationships. This beautiful art of conscious, sacred sexuality has been practiced for thousands of years by Tantric couples in order to achieve authentic love, deep passionate connection and spiritual enlightenment. And absolutely anybody today can draw from the experience and ancient knowledge of Tantric practitioners.
In order to make a true, lasting change in your relationship, it is crucial to commit and to make your love life a priority. In the same way that you always make time for work, for friends and watching TV, you need to create time for intimacy and tantric practices. I advise my clients to start with two hours once a week. I ask them to schedule that time in their calendars and only reschedule in case of absolute emergency. Being tired should never be an excuse as this practice will energize you and refresh your body. Pick a day and time that works for both of you, for example Monday night from 8pm to 10pm. I promise that you’ll love all the playfulness and connection each session will bring both of you!
Once your special date is approaching, prepare by becoming familiar with the practices listed below. Have fun and do not take yourself too seriously. Have an open mind and open heart even if something seems silly to you at first. More people than I can recall, have declared the eye-gazing exercise awkward and weird… until they tried it! Don’t skip anything, just put some practices aside until you’re ready to try them. Be playful and curious – if a practice feels good to both of you, you’re doing it right!
1. Create a Magical Space
Turn your bedroom/living area/back yard/etc. into a temple of love. Tidy up and spread comfortable blankets and cushions, bring light incense sticks, flowers or diffuse essential oils, buy fruit and drinks you both enjoy. Create a feast for the senses! Don’t use the ceiling lights as they’re usually too harsh. Instead, bring dimmed table lamps or plenty of candles, their flickering will bring magic into the place. Put soft, relaxing music on that will play for at least 2 hours so that you don’t need to be interrupted by resetting it. Make sure that the temperature is just right for both of you to be naked.
2. Clear Your Minds
If you’re familiar with the art of meditation, start with 5-10 minutes of a meditative practice. Otherwise, simply close your eyes and start breathing deeply, slowly, into your belly. Consciously letting go of any thoughts, worries and stresses with each exhale will help you both become much more mindful and present in the moment.
When we try to connect intimately right after a busy day, often the energy of our full-on schedules will keep pulling us away from each other, as thoughts about work, tasks and other commitments will enter our minds. A few minutes of conscious, abdominal breathing will help you both push all the distractions away and remain much more present with each other.
Look deeply into each other’s eyes using a soft, gentle gaze. You’re allowed to blink and close your eyes if you need to, this exercise should not be an effort. Look into the left eye of your beloved (and instruct them to do the same) as the left eye is more receptive, it is the gateway to the soul. You can also try the right eye to see if it feels better – there is no right or wrong here.
Set the alarm on your phone and try to eye-gaze between 5 and 15 minutes. This might seem like a long time at first until you really connect and when this connection will feel wonderful and delicious. A prolonged eye contact induces a mild state of altered consciousness which is a truly blissful experience.
To enhance the exercise, synchronize your breathing so that you inhale and exhale at the same time.
4. Open Your Hearts to Each Other
When your bodies meet on a purely physical level – you have sex. But when you mix your pleasure and arousal with your loving, emotional energy – you create love-making. My clients report over and over again that the most fulfilling and magical sexual experiences happen when both partners connect with the love they feel for each other, when their hearts are open and receptive, when it’s not just their bodies that meet but also their hearts and souls.
Take turns telling each other what you love about each other. Be specific, recall particular instances when your partner made you feel loved, cared for and nurtured. Dig deep into your heart, allow yourself to feel all the love you have for each other and then let the words of appreciation, gratitude and joy flow between the two of you.
5. Sit in Yab-Yum
Yab-Yum is a traditional tantric position intended to bring lovers close in a deeply sensual, intimate way. The man sits down comfortably (usually in a cross-legged position) and his partner sits in his lap facing him and embracing him with her arms and legs. Both can be clothed or naked.
As they synchronize their breathing and look into each other’s eyes, they allow this deep experience of union to grow and deepen. There is nothing to do, nothing to achieve in this beautiful embrace. The lovers hold each other for the pure joy and bliss of being together, of appreciating and celebrating this special moment.
6. Share a Tantric Kiss
Still sitting in Yab-Yum, bring your lips close together but not touching yet. This time, alternate your breathing so that one partner is inhaling while the other one is exhaling. Savor and delight in the experience of breathing each other’s breath. After a while allow your lips to gently brush against your partners lips and skin.
Finally, bring your lips together in a soft, slow, gentle kiss. Don’t make any sudden movements, simply savor the kiss as you keep caressing your beloved’s lips with your own. Remain completely present with this experience, immersed in the pleasure, sensuality and intimacy of the moment.
7. Make Love
Start touching and caressing each other slowly, gently, mindfully. Remember that tantric lovemaking is not about chasing an orgasm but about being in pleasure together, fully present and connected throughout the experience.
Allow your bodies to relax as you move together in an intimate dance of passion and arousal. Let go of any goals and simply enjoy the playfulness and intimacy of your time together.
Tantric lovemaking can include penetration and orgasm or can simply be an experience of touching, massaging, kissing and pleasuring each other. Let go of any scripts, let go of ideas of what SHOULD happen in the bedroom. Allow the intimacy to happen in a conscious respectful way. Simply follow the pleasure, seek your partner’s feedback and have fun!
Tantric lovemaking is a celebration throughout which the lovers acknowledge and enjoy the sacredness of their union, seeing each other as special and divine. Touch and intimacy happen naturally, effortlessly, with full awareness. Lovers do not lose themselves in the experience, disconnecting from each other but remain always present, looking into each other’s eyes and delving deep into each other.
At the same time Tantra is very playful and should be approached in a joyful, light-hearted way. The lovers remain curious and keep exploring new positions and ways to touch each other, knowing that there is no right or wrong way. They enjoy movement but also embrace stillness as a beautiful way to deepen their sensitivity and to absorb all the pleasure and arousal they’re experiencing.
And above all, Tantra is about taking your time. The more you slow down – the more pleasure you will feel. When you do not rush, the body gets a chance to fully experience and notice the depth of each sensation, shiver and vibration. Tantric sex is a feast of pleasure and as long as you’re both experiencing a lot of it, you’re on the right track!
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