Do you find it difficult to keep thoughts out of your head during sex? Are you thinking about what to cook for dinner, tomorrow’s to-do list, the way your body looks or even if it’s any good for your partner? You are not alone.
Many people, both men, and women, struggle with feeling present and in the moment during sexual encounters. Intruding and distracting thoughts can cause a lack of intimacy in relationships, feelings of inadequacy, and the inability to connect to one’s own profound pleasure.
Fortunately, there is a super simple solution to bring back the mind-blowing passion, ecstasy, and gratification of incredible sex.
To turn off distracting thoughts and turn on your ability to experience fulfilling pleasure, we first need to understand our largest and most powerful sex organ, the brain. For this illustration, imagine that the brain is split into two areas. Area one is the logical mind and area two is the primal mind.
The logical mind sits on top of the primal mind and is the outermost part of the brain. It is responsible for decision making, analyzing and overall conscious awareness. It’s the part of us that feels like us, our conscious self.
It problem solves, calculates, thinks and rationalizes so we can make sense of the world around us and interact with it. This part of the brain also controls language. It is activated while you engage in a conversation, hash out dinner plans, ponder when to take a vacation or even create and achieve goals.
The primal mind is located in the center of the brain and is almost the complete opposite of the logical mind. It is responsible for processing the stuff that we rarely pay attention to. Unconscious operations like heartbeat, breathing and even digestion.
This is also the area that houses all of our emotions and sensations. The primal mind doesn’t possess language like the logical mind, but it does communicate – through sensation. Every time you’ve had a “gut feeling” about someone or something, and couldn’t put it into words, that was your primal mind communicating with you.
It picks up on things that the logical mind can overlook, and it is not easily satisfied. For example, have you ever tried to cure* anxiety with logic and gotten nowhere? The logic comes from the logical mind and the sensation of anxiety from the primal.
The primal mind has no care for logic, which is why reasoning with sensation rarely works. The difference between your head and your heart lies in these two separate regions, and when they aren’t in agreement, it can wreak havoc.
Really good sex is a sensation. When we have an exceptionally sexy, turn-your-world-upside-down encounter, our logical mind goes into sleep mode, and our primal mind takes the reigns. This is how we “lose*” ourselves.
When the logical mind is fully online, we feel conscious and in control. When the primal takes over, we release control and allow it to take us on a journey. We become acutely aware of every graze, brush, and caress – sometimes even before sex ever takes place. We become fully immersed, overtaken and completely captivated by the sensation in our body.
Our senses are heightened. It can even feel like we are on another level of existence, mainly because we experience most of our life through our logical mind. In this state, the thought flow in your logical mind slows down tremendously.
The issue of feeling “in your head” during sex is actually the logical mind continuing to be online and very active. When this happens, it overrides the primal and causes a dulling effect. It severs the connection to your pleasure and cuts you off from the sensation in your body.
So how do you consciously turn off your logical mind and let your provocative primal take control? It’s all about focus. Refocusing your logical mind on the sensations your body is experiencing.
Noticing, describing and tracking every millisecond of luscious sensation. To track sensation, drop deeply into any feeling or sensation and where you feel it, observing how it moves or changes.
An easy way to practice this before using it during sex is to choose a part of your body, close your eyes, breath into it and then describe, out loud, every single sensation you feel – no matter how minute.
Notice if the sensation has a temperature or a specific density to it. Staying present with your sensations and in your body relaxes the logical mind and awakens the primal.
Once you get the hang of identifying and tracking the sensations in your body, you can introduce this new skill in the bedroom. Track every chill that rides up or down your spine. Every lick, touch or tease.
Observe how your body reacts to every stroke from your partner and allow it to completely envelop you. Focusing your attention in this way will allow the primal mind to effectively do its job and bring you back into a state of euphoria.
If you want to take this technique to the next level, instead of focusing your full attention on sensation, you can laser in on one of your senses. Your five senses are also controlled by the primal mind, and this is another great way to get the logical mind to loosen its grip.
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Choose a sense and deprive the rest. Close your eyes and breathe in your partner’s pheromones. Feel the scent wash over your entire being. Taste the salt on their skin, the flavor on their lips. Listen intently to every exquisite moan your partner expels.
Gaze into their eyes or at different points on their body. Focus on one sense during a single sexual encounter or switch between all of them and turn everyday sex into one hot, passion-filled experience.
Let’s face it, if you aren’t having sex that over takes your mind and body – you should be. Now you know how.
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