Think in 2017 that sexless relationships are officially over? Well, have I got news for you! Even though we reside in a society surrounded by sex, the most common reason that people approach to work with me in my private practice is a dead bedroom.
So what defines a relationship which is sexless? A sexless relationship means that the couple is having sex no more than SIX times yearly. An almost sexless relationship is where couples are having sex less* than once a month.
The sad truth is that many couples haven’t been sexual for years and have even stopped any form of touch altogether.
Even in relationships or marriages that started with a bang, the passion can fade over the years to almost nothing. The stress of professional work, the upbringing of kids or even needing to take care of aging parents can take its toll on sexual desire.
You’re just too buried, and the excitement of the start of your relationship has faded away.
Do you relate yourself to such situation? You’re not alone. Statistics estimate that percentage of sexless marriage range between 15-20, but I personally consider this to be much elevated.
I see too many suffering clients who are desperate to get their sex life back.
There are many reasons for the sex to dry up in a relationship, which can include:
- Aging and changing hormones
- Side effects from medications (causing low libido, fatigue or vaginal dryness making sex painful for women)
- Long-term health issues or disabilities
- Poor communication and unresolved relationship conflicts
- Boredom; doing the same routine over and again and you haven’t tried anything new in a long time.
But don’t worry! Your sex life is certainly not over because I have 3 simple solutions that have been proven* to work with my clients:
1. Start Touching!
Do you remember at the start of your relationship where you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Now that you’re so familiar with each other being so busy makes you fail to invest time intertwining with through touch.
I’ll bet that you’ve become a Touch Aversive couple, avoiding touch altogether. Sometimes it’s the fear of rebooting sex, sometimes it’s the fear of rejection. The list does go on!
This has to change. You need to make time where you are touching with no thrust so that you are directed towards sex. Schedule 10 minutes or even 1 hour of giving a relaxing massage, tickling, taking a shower together, a back rub or even taking a walk.
Take this time to enjoy touch just for the sake of touch. Touch with no intentions for sex can actually enlighten intimacy, which can actually provide a path to hot sex. But start with non sexual touch first.
2. Ask For What You Want
Understand what turns you on and what turns you off.
How can your partner know how to please you if you don’t even know? You need to take the time by yourself to uncover what brings the excitement, and what spoils your mood.
What turns YOU on is unique to you, so find your own personal turn-on recipe. It could be reading or watching erotica, doing a slow dance together, a whole body massage with a happy ending, seeing your partner in sexy lingerie, spanking, or you could even try some BDSM.
The possibilities are endless, so let your imagination go wild!
Also, take the time to find your own personal hotspots on your body. Indulge in a session of steamy self-pleasuring to find out how YOU like to be touched and where.
Is your nape of neck sensitive? Your ears? Your lower back? Your inner thigh? Your nipples? On which side do you like a clitoral rubbing? Do you go crazy for oral sex? Discover what works, and then all you need to do is ask to immerse there.
For your turn-offs, maybe oral hygiene of your partner might be a concern when they’re not easy on you or they’re just rushing too fast. Sound familiar? Maybe you hate your feet being touched or there are some positions that feel uncomfortable for you.
This is ok!
When things are not working out for you, speak up but don’t make it sound like criticizing, complaining or whining your partner. That can instantly spoil the moment.
Here’s a great phrase to use, “Honey, I’m not so excited when you … but I it drives me crazy when you do it this way.”
3. Make Time For Yourself
I get it, your life is too busy. There’s not enough time in the day to get all your work done, look after the kids and spend time with your partner.
You’re exhausted, your batteries are running on empty, and you’re too drained for sex
This is why if you want things to heat up in the bedroom, I can’t stress enough how important it is to take time for yourself. When you can recharge yourself with ‘Me’ time, you’ll be able to enjoy ‘We’ time.
What makes you feel good? For women it could be having a manicure-pedicure, brunch with your friends, going to the gym, reading a good novel or going shopping.
For guys, it could be joining a sports team, grabbing a beer with guys, going fishing or out in nature on a trek.
It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it charges you up and gets you ready to be with your partner.
Unfortunately, sex dry spells in a duo can cause be a major concern in a relation. This is the time you should look for either a Couple Therapist or a Certified Sex Experts to work it out.
The World Association of Sex Coaches is the best spot to find an Eminent and Certified Sex Expert.
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