Ever wondered what she may be lying to you about and why? In the last decade of working with couples and especially with hundreds of female clients, I have discovered some of the key lies we women tell men and why we feel we need to have this dishonesty in our intimate lives. As a woman, myself and a woman that loves gourmet sex with my lovers, I can say with certainty that our intent behind our mistruths is not to cause pain or loss of trust but instead to protect* our men and help them feel good about themselves.
As a sex and relationship coach and a woman who subscribes to living as authentic as I can in any given moment, I can say that even this good reasoned “white lie” is still NOT okay and does damage the relationship with our partner as well as cause discord and shame within ourselves. We live in a time where authenticity is hard to come by, but we all crave it and want to experience more of it. There is a calling deep within us that tells us that this is what we should strive for, but societal programs, media and taught beliefs all lead us away from our authentic truth and into the claws of fear where we take the easier route and lie.
Currently, I have two vital sexual relationships that have blessed me with the insight and experience of authentic relating. One has taught me and continues to provide me the space and permission to become more authentic with myself and thus with him. The other relationship has done this as well, but allows me to be the permission for him to explore deeper levels of integrity in sexual and emotional relating. After 7 years of dancing in and out of authenticity myself and with each of them, I can say that I am truly grateful for all the vulnerable moments of truth. No matter how difficult the conversation (I slept with someone else, I did not have protected sex, I might have caught a disease, I really want to explore this fantasy, I need to take a break from us, I read all your text messages, and many other conversations) the ability to relate at this raw level of integrity is empowering on a personal level and has created a beautiful strength and deep trust in the relationships. This form of communication if leaned into can manifest the most incredible love and sex you could ever imagine.
To help establish this authenticity, let’s look at the top 10 lies we women tell men and our potential reasons behind them.
1. “Yes! Yes! Yes! – I had an Orgasm!” – This has got to be the BIGGEST lie told by women. I even wrote an article recently on this very topic and the reasons that we women fake orgasm so often. Typically, the reasons we fake an orgasm, at least when in a committed relationship are based on stress, duty, boredom, not wanting to hurt our partners ego or that sex is hurting us and we are fearful of saying the truth. 99% of western women have faked or do fake regularly orgasm.
2. I’ve Never Faked an Orgasm with You. – In my coaching practice, I have worked with many women who are trying to figure out how to have an orgasm. Often these women have been having sex for many years and have been in loving, committed relationships most of that time. Many women have not experienced an orgasm or cannot recall the last time they had a “real” one outside of masturbation. Yet their partners ALL believe that their women are having orgasms and often I hear men say, “Oh, I know she is not faking it.” or , “I know how to get her there.” When in reality the women are not orgasming! I had a couple’s client last year whom had been together for 3 years and she was working on having her first orgasm ever in life (she is in her late 40’s), he believed that she orgasmed every time they were together and was VERY proud of his abilities to get her there. She begged me to not ever let the truth slip.
3. That was Great Honey! – The Sex was Awesome. – How often do we women tell our lovers that the sex was great or that they performed awesome oral sex or hit all the right spots? The answer is: Almost always some variation of this happens. In truth though, sex is often mediocre at best and our partner’s skills, ability to connect or our own ability to just drop down into our bodies and not be in our heads thinking about other things prevents “great” let alone “gourmet” sex from happening. In order to not cause a confrontation or hurt feelings we women try to assure our lovers that it was “GREAT!”
4. I am Fine. – No really you did great or that was fun. – This one is all about speaking our needs/desires and healthy boundary setting. It is about communication. Men typically are more playful and adventurous in sex than women. Society has taught us that men fantasize, love watching and have a desire to please their woman at some level. Society has also taught women to NOT ask for what they need/want and to “just go with the flow.” This combination causes many traumatic situations to happen in our sexing, and unfortunately, the man is hardly aware of any of them because the woman is scared to reveal the truth out of fear of hurting his feelings or worse yet being rejected by her partner. If she were to ask for what she needs/wants then that might make her appear like a whore or slut and what would her man think or feel about her? This is why so many women never ask for adjustments in sex, remain quiet or strangely agreeable but then become bitter, angry, or sexually shut down.
5. I Don’t Really have any Fantasies. – Similar to the last, women will consistently say that they don’t have sexual fantasies, are happy with what they got, only want/like vanilla sex, are not turned on by kink, or if they do admit to fantasies will only let out the mild or timid one’s and defend their position on this to the end. Again, here we have a fear of being slut-shamed for our desires. “Good girls don’t do _________.” – Fill in the blank with the fantasy or request of your choice. The truth is, women fantasize. We create some amazing hot mini movies and scenarios in our minds, but under our desires is fear of shame and even worse, fear that our man may actually want to act on our fantasies. Gentlemen realize a woman will not share her desires if she is worried about getting pushed into actually acting on them. It is very difficult for us women to vocalize, because of the programs that we have grown up with, if we don’t trust that what we share will be accepted but not acted on then we will not share. Focus on trust and acceptance.
6. I don’t Fantasize about Anyone Else. – “You’re the only one for me.” “I don’t even notice other men.” “No, I don’t even think about movie stars like that during love making.” — LOL, okay! Women are sexual beings just like men. Women are humans just like men. And guess what we notice the hot guy in line at the grocery store just like men notice the cute chick in the short skirt pumping gas on a windy day. We feel the sensations in our bodies of turn on too and even better*, we take these images of the hot guys we meet in our PTA meeting, the Fed-X delivery guy, the Uber driver or our attractive work colleague as a fun picture to play with in our fantasies that we are claiming we never have. Fantasizing about other people is not a message of trouble in a relationship, or that our partner wants to hook up with someone else, it simply means that they are alive and feel turn on. That they have a sex drive. It is healthy.
7. You’re Perfect Sized. – This is the one that I am pretty sure that many women are cringing that I would share and many men are saying, “I knew size mattered!” Size does not matter, and at the same time, it does. What matters more than size is your ability to connect. Meaning, make sex about feeling vs. mechanics. If you are a man sporting 9 inches of glory but you have no idea how to kiss, perform oral sex, cannot melt our hearts and minds and think that the speed of your stroke and the angle of how you penetrate is what matters while stroking your woman’s clit, then you are focused on mechanics and are disconnected from your sex and from your woman. This means that we can’t feel you even at 9 inches. If you are a man, who is 5 inches but is totally into your woman, gaining your pleasure from hers and know that true penetration happens in her mind and heart then her body. That good sex takes time. Then your woman can feel you. Unfortunately, the average man is 6 inches and disconnected from his body and has no idea how to penetrate his woman whole mind, body and soul. This leaves us women in the place of telling men a lie, because most women assume that it has something to do with a man’s size rather than his mind and heart. Start being conscious during your sexing and your penis will feel bigger.
8. I have ONLY slept with _____ number of Men. – This lie happens because we women are fearful of slut shaming. Once again, the reason we hide the truth here is that we fear that the man that we are interested in or having sex with or even are married too may think poorly of us or reject us in some way. That they may think that we are or were a whore. The good girl syndrome that most women live with prevents us from stating our truth and from embracing our sexuality and our desires. Sometimes even we find ourselves with a man who has slept with far fewer women than we have with men, sometimes we hear or perceive that the man we are with wants us to be pure, and most often we are simply just concerned about being a “bad girl,” and what that means.
9. I don’t Masturbate or Watch Porn. – Once again, “good girl syndrome,” strikes again. How will I be perceived if I admit that I enjoy touching myself or that I even need to get a release? What will my lover think if I admit to watching porn and enjoying it or fantasizing about scenes from it? A woman who does not masturbate does not know her body, her likes or dislikes and certainly has some hang-ups around sex and pleasure. Most women masturbate. Porn is something that you either enjoy or you don’t. But we lie about these things because we don’t want our men to think poorly of us.
10. I would Never Cheat on You. – Let me state again that women are human and sexual creatures JUST like men. Women get caught less* than men in their affairs. But women do cheat! I read awhile back about a college professor who was teaching his students about blood types and had the kids go home and inquire with their parents what each parents blood type was so that they could see where theirs came from. If I recall this correctly, (and I encourage* you to google and find the data on this) over 30% of the students discovered that their fathers were not their blood parent. This reveals that women will cheat. We tell you that we would never because 1) we love you and most likely are not planning on cheating on you, 2) already have cheated but it was nothing more than sex, a release, or exploration out of boredom, 3) we don’t want you to fear losing us or think that there is something wrong with you and that we may want to upgrade later because that would just mean that you may start to believe that we are not even supposed to be together and leave us, when we do love you and have no intent on leaving or upgrading. As you can see, pretty much all the same reasons that men cheat.
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