You Learn How To Use Your Words
Yeah, we have Tinder and all of its clones now, but nothing beats the sexiness and accuracy of actual, grown-up conversation around turn-ons.
This seems super hard for some people- particularly when we are younger, but we get pretty good at negotiating with others when ordering from a menu, deciding what movie to watch, where to vacation or how to budget with our partners….what makes using the same muscles to talk about sex so hard for some people?
Much of the time, it’s just about asking the wrong questions.
Those questions sound like, “Do you want to have sex?” “Do you want to do it tonite?” People who identify as straight can have a harder time asking more than this (and often may not even talk much at all, simply auto-piloting into an inevitable and assumed penis-in-vagina end game).
People who don’t identify as straight can’t necessarily assume how “sex” or “It” is going to play out, because the combinations are varied and specific. So questions such as, “What are you into?”, “What are you in the mood for?” or “What feels good to you?” become more necessary.
So as people mature sexually, they can get better and more well-versed around asking their partner/s about what they like or do not like, what they want to do (which may be different than last time), asking about particular acts or fantasies…
You Learn How To Use Your Hands
Yes, I get that you may have sussed out how masturbation worked when you were 12, but after the 3-minute, bust-it-out-before-mom-hears-you ‘bate-ing out of middle school, we learn how to REALLY masturbate.
We watch some porn, some sex scenes in movies, read some HuffPo articles and Reddit threads, talk with our friends learn what our body likes and responds to, how to focus on that pleasure, how to prolong it when that adds to the experience and how to communicate those things to someone else.
Ultimately as we mature we learn to be able to run both ends of our body at the same time, AND bring intellect and curiosity to our physical self-relations that we can then share with others.
You Figure Out How To Google
That sounded like I’m talking about masturbating again…but I’m actually talking about web research. Both physical behaviors and our more intellectual stances and philosophies can be influenced and changed through education via responsible sources. Knowledge is confidence and research shows that people who read about sex are more likely to try new things.
You Figure Out That Every Person Can Be A Possible Exception To The Rule
What worked, fit, timed up just right with last time was different from the time before that and will be different with the next partner.
In each intimate interaction, we bring both a wealth of experience from our past and squeaky clean dry erase board for what is going to be new.
The point is what happens now/ next is more important than what has already happened.
With experience, comes the understanding that the how’s, the what’s and the how many’s you or your partner have done before doesn’t matter -what matters is what you will be doing now. What happened before just informs that.
And that exploration and exchange of info is one of the things that can make sex amazing.
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You Understand The Value of Practice
Sex is something we are all naturally drawn to in different ways, but no one is born knowing how to do it well. The best way to get better at sex is to … That’s right! Have more of the sex.
The more you can sleep with people that meet your needs and standards, the more experience you’ll gain. The more you can sleep with people that do not, the more opportunities you’ll have to learn a bit about yourself and practice communicating to someone else – helping THEM gain experience.
That experience gives knowledge, and that knowledge leads to confidence.
You Understand The Value of Exercise
When we go to the gym, we don’t simply stick to one move, one machine or one muscle group in the same way that newbie’s do.
There are between 7 and 70 erogenous zones (depending on who you ask). Experienced and confident people understand the benefit of a circuit workout: taking your time, focusing on form, hitting them all and mixing them up.
You Figure Out That Your Sex Is Not Simple
Most of us made it through our high school’s glorified, reproductive anatomy class, which they generously marketed as “Sex Ed”, complete with either a “Don’t do it,” or “Use protection.”
Of course, some of the information was informative; awareness of infection, a reminder that pregnancy can occur and a decent road map for where all the stuff and things go was likely useful for many of us.
But if you are an American and reading this article, statistically, the emotional and intimate connective aspects of sexuality with other people was notably absent from your “Sex Education.” in high school.
And most of us probably didn’t notice that at the time.
But as adults, we begin to connect the intricate web of dots that is human sexuality and the unique patterns that we all create within that matrix. We come to understand that it does not always boil down to simple biology, and most of us don’t think about terms like the epididymis or fallopian tube when on a date.
Sex is more than just a biological urge. Sex is multifaceted and intricately tied to our emotional states and relationships in ways that those fidgeting and uncomfortable gym teachers ever told us.
We do not only shag to procreate (nor do we NOT shag to avoid creating offspring). We do it for pleasure and for passion. We do it for recreation and revenge. We do it when in love and when lonely. Out of boredom and out of hope. We do it with people we like and with people we don’t and with people we just met. We do it because we feel sexy in these jeans. Because of margaritas. Because of Thursday. Because we are made of human parts. Because.
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You Figure Out That Orgasms Are Not Simple
Although the experiences are similar, there are differences between the orgasms of men and women. Men can reach orgasm typically by rubbing of the head of their penis, but can also reach orgasm through stimulation of their prostate.
Women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration, but almost 80 percent of people with vaginas also need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm.
With experience, we also learn that those orgasms feel very different. Orgasms from stimulation of the glans or clitoris tend to focus inward (picture the Death Star’s laser at the beginning of A New Hope). Orgasms through stimulating the G-spot or prostate tend to focus outward (think of the Death Star blowing up at the end of A New Hope).
May the Force be with us, indeed.
You Understand That Sex Is Not What We See On Our Screens
We don’t feel the need to switch positions every thirty five seconds as they do in porn. We learn the hard way that sex on a beach or in a bathtub doesn’t really work all that well.
We learn that orgasms don’t need to happen every time, that s don’t have to happen at the same time – but the prep, lube, and breaks often do. We learn that sex will last statistically a lot less time than those 40-minute porn videos (and a lot longer than the four minutes we actually watch).
We learn that there is no dignified way of cleaning up after, that sometimes there is laughter and sometimes you might choose to just watch TV instead, and that those things are all OK.
You Understand That Sex Is Not Love.
Or competition. Or a race. Or a salve for all of your emotional woes. Or a badge of how cool, popular or foxy you are.
It’s just sex.
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