Where did the passion go?
Usually, the fiery passion that we experience at the beginning of a relationship, sooner or later, begins to fade, and after a few years, a lot of couples face a lack of intimacy.
Why is this happening?
The fact is that in the first months of our acquaintance we still don’t know our partner well enough, we are fascinated by a separate, independent person who has their own secrets and mystique, and we are trying to penetrate this unique world.
Then, the distance becomes less and less. Emotional connection is strengthened, but stability comes in place of the novelty, excitement, expectation, and fluctuation, which fueled our passion before. Relationships no longer develop; it begins to seem to us that we know absolutely everything about another person. And this is the beginning of a family tragedy of the loss of intimacy for long years.
Reliability, trust, and closeness are not bad, but without some uncertainty, we get stuck and bored. This is not about our moral qualities but our nature and evolution. So, it is necessary to change something in your own perception and look at relationships differently.
Let some lightness, flirt, and experiments into your life. Do not limit yourself or your partner with earlier established templates. You are both subjects, not objects. Each of you is a personality who is still full of secrets and changes a little every day. Try to see a handsome stranger in your partner.
But most importantly – never let yourself disappear into another person and lose yourself. Everyone has the right to their own hobbies, secrets, freedom, and personal space. And this is the only true way to stay interesting for each other while changing with time and experience.
Rebuilding intimacy starts with regaining yourself
According to the research conducted by onlinedivorce.com in Georgia, 44% of all divorcing couples terminate their marriages because of the loss of intimacy – both emotional and sexual. Although such breakups are calmer than in case of cheating or lying, the situation is still sad and the scale of the problem is significant. So, if you are eager to rebuild intimacy in a relationship, you should start until it’s too late, as well you should always start with yourself.
Try to step away from a situation and understand what the reason for a problem is.
Is it you who are sexually frustrated? Or maybe you feel intimacy starvation while your partner seems to be OK with what is happening?
Or, sexual relationship is fine, but you lack that emotional intimacy you had before?
Finally, there can be some objective reasons for no intimacy in marriage like illnesses and disorders, stress, depression, living apart because of long business trips, etc. The circumstances like these can be challenging, but no one is to blame.
Under different circumstances, there should be different ways of restoring intimacy in marriage, and you should feel what would be appropriate in your particular case. It would be too simple if naughty underwear or sexting could really fix any relationship issue. In fact, regaining intimacy is a complex process which requires patience, empathy, and sincere, not egocentric feelings.
Here are various ways which may bring intimacy back into the relationship. Some of them are essential for all couples, and some fit only a particular situation.
So, it is up to you what to choose, reflecting what your relationship needs most.
1. Improve your appearance and style. It may seem banal, but the sky is the limit, you know. You should love yourself to be attractive to other people. You should feel comfortable in your own body, age, and image. Do not redo yourself due to some trendy template but emphasize your unique features. Foremost, think about the harmony of inner and appearance, not about your partner and intimacy problems. You should enjoy yourself. If you don’t – you know what to do. Seek your perfect style, which reveals your personality. The web is full of advice and opportunities.
2. Stay healthy. Sports not only improve the figure and body but also contributes to the development of the hormones of happiness, relieves stress, and increases libido. Needless to say, all this makes any person much more attractive.
3. Focus on work and career success. It seems that this has nothing to do with sex, but more often intimate problems arise not from a lack of desire in the couple, but an imbalance of the desire of one and the reluctance of the other partner. It brings sexual oversatiety, feeling of guilt, and irritation. If the lack of intimacy worries you, then you need to distract and to improve other resources. This will raise self-esteem; there will be no time left for insults and obtrusiveness. And the partner will have a chance to look at you in a new way.
4. An interesting hobby makes you an interesting person as well. Surely, gaining attention should not be your goal – just do something you really love, something exciting and creative.
5. Distance. Give your partner and yourself some space. Visit your parents or friends in another city on your own, agree to the business trip. Make it clear for your partner that this is not a demonstration of your offense, just the plans. Before you began to live together, you must have texted a lot or chatted on the phone, missed each other. A small distance will help to return this quivering feeling if you do not have a severe conflict between, but ordinary fatigue.
6. Give up unnecessary conversations. Frankness is good, but only if both partners want to be frank. You can not extract the sincerity and emotions by force, tediously share your pain with a person who is not ready to share it, incidentally accusing him of callousness. Such an approach is selfish and devoid of empathy. Of course, if you are offended – you need to say this, and even better to leave. But if it’s about your personal reflections, first try to deal with them yourself. Tedious talks cannot rekindle intimacy.
7. If you have a severe conflict or you feel that you are completely confused, contact a psychologist or therapist. This can be both family therapy and personal, depending on the circumstances. Personal coaching may be an option too, but it usually provides a quick result, not the analysis and awareness of the problem.
8. Often people complain that with the birth of a child, romance and passion disappear from relationships because young parents begin to spend all their free time on the kid, and not on each other. But the point is not at all in the birth of a new family member, but in the fact that most modern couples turn the upbringing process into the cult, and children into the gods. You may be surprised, but you do not need to spend all your strength to fulfill every whim of the child. It would never occur to our ancestors to run around the kids as we do!
9. Stress can be both one of the effects of no intimacy in a relationship and its cause. Do not exaggerate the problem if you know that now are challenging times for your family. At your wedding, you promised each other to love each other in good and bad times. Bad times happen. Problems at work, in relationships with friends, with parents’ health, a middle age crisis – all this can cause stress and kill the romantic mood. Do not be selfish, support your loved one, and the intimacy will restore soon.
10. Well, from more fundamental psychological advice to small tips and ideas on how to get the passion back.
Flirt! Flirting is a process when there is a desire for sexual and romantic rapprochement, but still very implicitly, at the level of a joke or playing. This is the probing of mutual interest. What better way to see each other in a new way?
11. Try something new together – hiking, partner dances, extreme sports, or art class, etc. Find something that none of you have yet tried. Experience new exciting emotions together.
12. Change of air. Take a trip. Do not plan anything, do not spend all the time on museums and attractions. Be carefree like teens. Get lost in the winding streets of a beautiful and strange city, dance all night, see a sunrise together. Changing of a regular routine is always beneficial for an individual as well as for relationships.
13. In general, be spontaneous. It is always attractive and reveals your inner glow. Start with tiny things – a new route to work, new recipes of dishes, new rituals like jogging or yoga, gifts without a reason, compliments and hugs. Change your habits, be flexible, do not be afraid to try new.
14. Think about texting (or sexting). How long ago did you write your partner something except shopping list and similar reminders? It’s time to change it, even if he or she sits in the next room right now.
15. Arrange romantic dates for no reason. Anniversary is a boring commitment. Why not brighten up the usual Tuesday?
16. Nostalgia. Try to reconstruct in details one of your very first and memorable dates. Clothes, music, place. It may have been many years, and much has changed in the world, but this game will be fun and romantic, evoking feelings, reminiscent of the way you were, and why you fell in love with each other once.
17. Try something erotic but except sex. For example, give each other a massage or share your innermost fantasies. Get relaxed, be close, but do not rush things. Little bit intrigue will turn you on.
18. Visit sex-shop. At least, it can be fun. But anyway, the related topics will pop up. Choose surprise gifts to each other, and open them being already at home. If you need to loosen up, it can be a good idea.
19. If you spend too much time together, it will be useful to hang out with friends more often. Bars, clubs, and concerts not only for teens. It is pleasant for any person to look at his partner in a company, realizing that friends are delighted with his/her appearance, humor, character – such things always attracts.
20. Jealousy is the strongest and most poisonous libido stimulator. You need to know precisely the dose that will refresh and shake up the relationship but will not destroy it. Or don’t resort to jealousy at all. For an anxious person, the maximum allowable dose of jealousy is simply to see that someone has looked at his/her spouse with interest, or even be with him/her in a public place where there are many friends. For a bored free thinker, the dose is entirely different.
21. And finally. Just love. Love yourself, love your partner, be sincere, and sure of your feelings. Trying to restore sexuality just because you “have to,” because you are a couple is a wrong and pathetic intention.
Always be honest and generous in love, and you will surely overcome these temporary difficulties.