In this busy culture of quick process, instant gratification, and on-the-go lifestyles we’ve found ourselves intimately involved with what thoughts and fantasies are playing out in our own heads, and less intimately involved with the world involving our bodies interacting with our partner’s.
What I mean by this is that we’ve conditioned ourselves to look at the end point of sex, namely the experience called orgasm, and lost touch with the sensuous process leading up to it.
What this does is cause us to have less than truly satisfying sexual experiences, reduced* feelings of connectedness with our partners, or reduced* interest in sex over time. Luckily, there are many ways we can build the connection back with our partner for a more bonding and satisfying experience.
Through physical, mental. Emotional, and energetic avenues, we can discover reconnection, and I’ve included strategies to easily step into each.
1. Physically Feel Into Them
When we are moving with two different body rhythms we can feel clumsy and awkward moving. Synchronizing your breath together can be a great grounding experience to bring you both back into rhythm.
Sit or stand comfortably in an embrace, wrapping arms around the midsection and connecting chest to chest or forehead to forehead. Stay for 5 to 10 minutes syncing each inhale and exhale together. With each exhale, try and feel yourself release one layer deeper. Melt into one another. Be held.
Physically slow down our movement. When we shift into a slower process, it becomes easier to tune into more of the details of the experience and drop into their enjoyment. When we move at a faster pace, it’s more likely that our actions become mechanical and reactionary versus aware and responsive.
You can utilise deeper, slower breaths and slower tempo music to help get the body into the slower rhythm. When moving into the body rhythm, try slowing down and varying the depth of the thrusts or the hip movement. Try slowly uncurling the spine from the bed, or breathing deeply through a position transition. Slow down to drop into your body. Stay here.
Physically feel into your partner by maintaining gentle pressure hand to body, hip to hip, or head to head or neck inspiring the same gentle pressure pressed back. You can also physically feel where your partner is holding tension or see if you can bring your attention here with touch to help them release and relax back into you.
Physically drop into your 5 senses. You have been gifted the essential tools for connectivity and they exist in the sensory receptors taking in data from your environment and using them to paint your experience.
Tune into the fragrance of her hair, the taste of his salty skin, the sensation of warmth radiating from her body, the flecks of color and shadow in his eyes, the sound of her pleasure moans in the back of her throat. Your senses anchor you back into the present moment and create a pleasurable experience if you allow yourself the presence to attend to it.
2.Mentally Feel Into Them
Mentally feel for when your partner shifts in and out of attention. Watch that you don’t shame them for this as we are human and our attention will wander–but instead make contact with their attention and draw them back into the experience.
Connecting through brief eye contact and/or a sexy smile can be a great way to bring back their attention. For more intense mental connection and focus, sustained eye gazing can be a powerful, vulnerable experience to have with a partner.
Holding eye contact can become an emotional experience, as it requires us to fully let down our guards and be seen. Try sustaining eye contact through orgasms for a heightened expansion of shared experience.
3.Emotionally Feel Into Them
Emotionally, can you feel into their current state? Can you pick up hints of feeling sad, nervous, scared, excited? Instead of ignoring what you are sensing from your partner, or quickly moving past it, use your communication and acknowledge that it’s there. This can be done through soft eye contact, words, or soft and reassuring touch. Proceed only when you feel your partner meeting you with equal pressure back.
Don’t quite know what you’re picking up from them? Sitting with your partner before you start sex and speaking in turn about what you fear, need, and desire can be a powerful and intimate experience that allows them to see these parts of us we may not like or may not be socially desirable.
When we can be vulnerable expressing our authentic self and inner process, and be held and witnessed by a strong container, the potential of our growth and pleasure expand tremendously. Either way, these parts of ourselves are going to be there. You can either let them rule your interactions unacknowledged or vocalize them and take charge of them.
4. Energetically Feel Into Them
Learn to feel into the subtle energy layers that exist from our body expending energy. Since our body is constantly running and spending through energy by the entire body functioning, if we are quiet, relax our body, and tune inward, we can actually feel into that subtle buzzing.
Rub your hands together to create heat build-up. Now separate your hands to shoulder width with palms facing one another. Slowly draw the hands towards each other, feeling for a subtle spongy feeling as the hands grow closer together. Now gently pull the hands further away from each other, feeling for some resistance. Slowly bring them closer in, continuing to feel for the sponge.
Try the same practice with placing your hands to hover over a part of your own body or that of your partner’s. Energetic play can be a next level experience of fun and pleasure.
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