It’s the question we all want to ask, but are too shy to speak up. If you are married, or in a long term relationship that entails living with your partner, then you know the question I am referring to. What is considered the “normal” when it comes to frequency in ones sex life? Is 1x a week too little? Should you be doing it 5x a week? Can you tell your partner you’re just not into it? Or do you use the age old excuse of having a headache.
These are tough questions that are difficult to ask, and sometimes it’s difficult to get the response. It’s hard to process if someone else sex life is bumping when yours is flat lining. We are going to dive into what makes up the norm for couples.
As women, we have all been there. Wondering what is the right amount of days in a week to make time for sex. It’s especially hard if the end of your day consists of getting off of work, running to pick up your kids, only to rush home to cook dinner.
On top of all of that, you may have homework to help with, and making sure you spend as much time with your kids to make sure they had a good day. The end of the night comes and all you want to do is take a shower, wash off all of your makeup, throw your hair in a messy bun and curl up in your nice warm bed. All of a sudden, you feel your husband creep over and you need to sum up the last bit of energy you might have.
Us women have all been there, sure its amazing and you’re bumping like rabbits in the beginning, but spontaneous sex isn’t always an option. You can’t just drop your panties and have a roll in the sack when you have kids running around. Its just like everything else in life, it’s a balance.
What I have to come to learn is that there isn’t a set amount of times you should be bumping uglies, it honestly all comes down to what kind of relationship you are in, and what you and your partner deem acceptable.
A few years ago Oprah had a show that was dedicated to the sex lives of married couples, and what I learned about from the episode is the we all have different views of how frequent we should be having sex with our partners. A few couples divulged that they had been intimate with their partners in 6 months or more.
It’s a personal decision, but one I know wouldn’t work for me. A study recently stated that the happiest couples have sex once a week, now that may seem like a lot, or frankly, not enough.
Its always interesting to ask people about this topic, I always get a different perspective depending on whether I ask a man or a woman. Woman tend to view sex as a way to open up emotionally to their partner, sex isn’t just a physical aspect but a way to connect on a deeper level. Where as most men don’t feel the emotional connection, the few I asked said its purely physical for them.
If you find yourself wondering what your partner prefers, maybe checking out The 5 Love Languages by Mary Chapman will help. It’s a book that categorizes the way we receive love.
It’s an interesting read, and a great insight on the different ways people want to feel loved. I did this research a few years ago after a friend recommended it, I was surprised at the different ways to tell someone I love.
- The first love language is physical touch, it’s pretty self explanatory, but if you or your partner relate to the more affectionate aspect of your relationship, then their love language is physical touch. This can be as simple as hand holding, hugs, and even sex. These people require a more physical affirmation to feel loved by their partner.
- The next love language is Quality Time. These are the moments when your partner gives you their undivided attention, the kind where you feel as if you are the only one in a crowded room when talking to him, when you are surrounded by people. It’s the constant eye contact, the effort of engagement.
- Words of Affirmation is the next language and it consists of praising and expressions of love. Expressions of love can be the little text first thing in the morning saying you’re beautiful, to acknowledgment when you go out of your way for your partner. Often times in long relationships you can get in a rut and forget to acknowledge the little things your spouse does.
- A more tangible way of viewing love it to receive gifts. Often times, you meet people who value their love in a monetary way. They may feel more loved when gifted something as extravagant earrings, or maybe something as simple as their favorite candy bar.
- Acts of service cap off the 5 love languages. This language is a common, actions speak louder than words. Anyone can buy you something, but these people feel most loved when the one they love is willing to go the extra mile by doing dishes, cleaning the house, or helping them with their work.
We all express and feel love on different levels, and that plays immensely on the amount of sex we as couples require in a relationship.
It’s hard not to compare your relationship to another. If you are around a couple that have been together for 20 years and still look at one another with so much love, it can be hard to be around. Rule number one, don’t compare. its doing a disservice to your relationship and creates a standard that may not be attainable, its like comparing apples to oranges. It’s unfair to you and your partner.
The best advice that was given to me was to find my partners love language, and apply the methods to see how that affects my relationship.
I was amazed to find we spoke different languages, but it was nice because it gave me perspective on what he requires to feel loved, and how it varies from mine. I was able to apply that to my relationship, and it was great to see the outcome of my efforts.
If you find yourself reading this waiting for a number on the right amount of sexual encounters you should be having with your spouse, then you won’t find it. Instead, take this time to find ways to spice up your sex life and add the spontaneity back.
By just Googling “Spice up sex life” you will find plenty of information. There is something for everyone, incorporate your spouse in your endeavor, you’ll be amazed at how eager they will be.
At the end of the day, its just you and your partner when you close that bedroom door. Do what works for you. As hard as it may be, ignore the couple that can’t keep their hands off each other. It will just put an unrealistic expectation of your relationship.
Remember, there is no magic number, so kick off your shoes and have fun!
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