What if you could fulfill your desires within your love relationship instead of going to strip clubs, watching porn, reading romance novels, and trying to get attention from co-workers?
Many couples have resorted to compartmentalizing their ‘love’ needs and ‘desire’ needs due to the misconception that both cannot exist in the same relationship.
They find evidence that it’s not possible to have both and they make up all kind of excuses as to why their version of comfortable misery is ‘just the way it is’.
Then finally after they can convince themselves they gave it the ol’ college try, over 50% of the populous gets a divorce when their relationship never really had a shot.
I was recently working with a couple in my relationship coaching program who had a story I see often.
She was deeply in love with him but not frequently sexually attracted, especially when he focused his creative purpose on her. He felt very sexually attracted to her and when she wasn’t in the mood he became needy for attention.
He was putting more energy on getting her sexual validation and less on his career/purpose which was the missing piece that would ignite her desire. She is left feeling suffocated and guilty.
He is left feeling clingy and frustrated. Nobody wins. The love is there but the desire is causing conflict.
Through a couple of months of very specific relationship coaching and exercises, they experienced what it would feel like to be in mutual love and desire.
He directed some of his attention to his creative project, allowing her the space to come to him.
She became more assertive with what she needed sexually, which led to her having more orgasmic experiences and ultimately more desire for him!
Giving Your Relationship A Shot
As a Sex & Relationship Coach people come to me when they decide they want guidance with healing the vicious cycle of unseen, suppressed, or unhealthy desire and intimacy.
They heal various versions of ‘cuddling roommates’, ‘together for the kids’, ‘don’t ask don’t tell’, ‘we hate each other but the sex is great!’, and ‘we’re married, of course, we don’t have sex’.
The sexy spark is ignited once again. The safety and trust in their connection are restored.
My definition of a happy relationship has two experiences that can be openly communicated about without judgment, projection, and defensiveness:
Love: An unconditional experience of HAVING intimacy and connection.
Desire: A passionate feeling of WANTING some version of closeness and sensuality.
No wonder it’s a challenge to want and have in the same relationship! It is possible, but it takes mindfully executed effort.
If you don’t feel both in love with and sexually excited by your partner consistently, there is room for redefining love and desire in your relationship.
For some of us, desire is easier. For some of us love is easier. You can have a comfortable-ish relationship with only one, but rest assured the other is being met elsewhere, even if only in imagination.
When we can allow both to exist at the same time for the same person, we have the kind of power couple relationship many of us envy.
Importance of Facing Your Demons
If you grew up not feeling safe being loved or with confusion around love and desire in your childhood this can be a challenge.
Maybe you or your partner had an attraction for a parent that wasn’t effectively dealt with and now love feels dirty. Sounds crazy but these things happen all the time on subconscious levels.
Maybe you or your partner was never unconditionally loved so that feels foreign. Maybe they were taught that desire is the devil or to ignore it because it gets you in trouble.
You don’t know what programs are running until you start looking at them. Everyone has shit to deal with, what matters is you and your partner are willing to face it and you have the tools to do so effectively.
We have to be willing to take a look into the depths of our subconscious and let whatever may live there be seen.
Why Are So Many Couples Struggling With Desire?
Unfortunately, we are not taught that we can have a white-hot desire in our long term loving partnership.
Puritan culture limits love to missionary with the lights off and quickly throws eroticism, kink, desire into the dumpster of sin.
There it eats all the naughty fantasies that are thrown away by media, culture, and our own personal stash. It gains strength and power in the dark, damp, evil garden of a guilty pleasure.
This makes people silently obsess over others until they cheat, watch porn, and go to strip clubs looking for attention.
They make secret profiles on Tinder looking for validation, go to ‘massage’ parlors looking for a release, and bars looking for the next best thing.
It’s a billion-dollar scam to make desire shameful and then sell it back quietly through the back door.
In relationship coaching people discover you can turn this desire monster into a powerhouse of creative and sexual energy for both you and your partner to enjoy, become a power couple, and rule the world.
I was once with someone who had a strong desire for me but was blocked in his ability to give and receive love.
He had a hard time letting his desire and love exist for the same person. I felt like my love was uncomfortable for him to take in.
I had another partner who loved me unconditionally but was uncomfortable with desiring the woman he was in love with because he thought it was disrespectful to think of me the way he thought of ‘those girls’.
You may have heard of the madonna/whore complex. I felt like my sexual desires were too much for him.
Now my partner and I have fulfilling and balanced love and desire. It waxes and wanes but it remains.
I let go of it needing to be perfect all the time! There is a basis of HAVING ultimate respect that allows for unconditional love as well as the freedom to WANT that creates desire.
When we walk in a room, people can sense the alliance and union that exists between us.
Communication Exercise and Relationship Tips
You can go as deep as you want with this exercise. Depending on the kind of communication you have established with your partner you can share notes.
Sometimes it’s best to have a Relationship Coach support you in creating a non-judgmental dialogue and providing insights about each person’s experience.
Look At Where Your Relationship Is On The Love and Desire Continuums
- Do you have more desire or love for your partner?
- Are they equal?
- Is one flourishing and one underfed?
- Do you feel you are lacking love or desire from your partner?
- Is there something specific you can tell them you want more of?
Share with Your Partner
- Feel into the experience of what it’s like to be in balanced and mutual love and desire.
- What would that feel like?
- How would you act differently?
- What are the top three things they do that ignite your desire for them?
- Top three that deepen your love for them?
- Maybe one is always there and you don’t even know what ignites it.
- Dig a little and see if you can pin point something.
You May Also Like to Read: 5 Ps That Every Man Should Consider
Share With Your Partner Again.
Give each other a hug and kiss from love…
Give each other a hug and kiss from desire…
Know the difference. Know what each of you crave.
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