Updated: 2019, Jul 24

How To Bring Long-Term Sexual Fulfillment In Your Relationship?

By - Reviewed by CHD Team
Long-Term Sexual Fulfillment In Your Relationship

Desire. Mystery. Intimacy. Trust. Acceptance. Growth.

In almost a decade of working with couples, I have certainly heard a bunch of tales. Most of which are sad and all too normal. The 20 or 30- year relationships that find themselves companions but not lovers.

They don’t even desire to be with each other intimately anymore but the relationship feels safe, they are good people, they love their partner, however, the sexual attraction has faded and perhaps this happened very early on in the relationship even, but they stuck it out because of the children.

Because relationships are based on more than sex alone and we all lose our looks, gain weight, wrinkles and grey hair so let’s be real and understand that we most likely will not remain sexually attracted to our partner the entire term of the relationship. Right?

Then you have the relationships out there that after 10 years, 20 years and sometimes even 50 years are acting like school kids who just fell in love and you look at them and wonder, “How is it possible to find and keep a love like that?” – They make it seem so easy.

It is like a fairy tale and too good to be true. Yet there they are, laughing, smiling and making love in every breathe. The adoration, acceptance, desire, and intimacy that they openly show are magical.

So how do couple’s like the latter do it, you may wonder?

How can you have that storybook romance your entire relationship?

How can you keep the fires not just stoked but raging?

One major secret to a hot relationship that is sustainable starts with emotional presence and a desire to do one’s personal work as well as work together as a couple to not just maintain but, to expand.

In truth though, the secret does not start here, it starts before we ever say, “Yes, you’re the one.”

Desire Connection

When we are dating we tend to desire connection and are willing to sacrifice so many things for this, including our authentic selves and we also choose blindly to ignore the little prompts that our bodies and hearts will give us about someone.

We logically move into a relationship or we allow that oh so good feeling of being with someone and the new relationship energy to override our truth and our intuition.

When we do this, we are ignoring our inner guidance system that is trying to make sure that we do not flop up and get with the wrong person.

Instead of saying, “Yeah, he is a nice guy, I am attracted to him and I could enjoy some fun with him,” we instantly start looking at our lives with this person on a more permanent scale.

We move into the feeling of, “I don’t want to lose him/her,” or “He/she makes me feel so good and it is so easy, they must be the one for me, even though they have that habit that is a total turn off to me or there is just something I cannot put my finger on that is making me feel not 100%.

I can’t ignore that they are so nice, funny, successful, hot, etc.”

It is my personal belief, (and I may get some criticism for writing this next part, but oh well) that 80% of relationships today are NOT meant to last. We have married or at very least committed to the wrong person for the long haul.

And I say for the long haul because I believe that every relationship serves its time and purpose. It is when we go into it with the expectation that it is the “one and only” for us that we tend to harness it and prevent all parties to fully enjoy the relationship and move through it as it needs to be versed how we are trying to make it be.

A dear man in my life speaks of a relationship like this, “A reason, a season or a lifetime. We never know what any relationship will be.” This is so true when we have children with a person.

Speaks of relationship

This person becomes a lifetime relationship, but perhaps it was just a short love affair that served a reason, such as having the children and learning a valuable lesson about ourselves or life, or maybe the relationship was a season and we spent all of our 30’s with this person.

We grew, we fell, we learned, we lost, we loved, and now it is time to move on.

No matter the relationship term, if we choose to walk into all relationships with the idea of, “a reason, a season or a lifetime,” and we open ourselves into the unconditional love that relationship needs to be sustainable versus our desire to control or manipulate it.

Now we can allow each relationship to serve us as it was intended.

The next trick is to see when it is time to let go of a relationship instead of spending 20 years of pain and suffering performing relationship mouth-to-mouth resuscitation out of fear of being a bad person, not doing what we should, looking a certain way or losing something that we never had.

If we have entered a relationship and our hearts, minds, and bodies are all in alignment and a YES to it we still must embrace the fact that there is no certainty that this is our final relationship stomping ground, but our odds increase that the relationship could be a lifetime or at very least a beautiful long-term relationship.

When this happens, we want to make sure that we do our best at keeping the fires alive and burning.

Intimacy deep with trust and vulnerability and our sex stimulated and connected not just at a physical level but also at an emotional level.

This is where the importance of emotional presence comes in and is by far the number one thing that we should focus on and try to keep healthy.

Emotional presence is different than emotional connection. Feeling emotionally connected to someone means that you feel connected and in tune with them.

You are comfortable, you may say you love them, like them and feel this back at some level. You think about their best interest and enjoy spending time with this person that you are connected to. You have concern for them.

Emotional presence

Emotional presence is having first the awareness that emotions are powerful resources to our internal worlds and that they should be honored.

That when someone shares with us their emotions they are most likely revealing their vulnerable selves and this is a scary place for many of us to go.

When we are emotionally present we must be willing to lean into our partner’s emotions and respect them for what they are as well as leaning into our own emotions and fully feeling them.

Emotional presence means you stand in the fire of the emotions or swells of the storm you could say.

Even if you get scared at the storm you know that by embracing your partner through your words, physical presence, touch and most importantly through your compassionate heart, listening and sharing instead of running away that you build trust and open your partner up to the space of surrendering deeper into their hearts and into the relationship.
Emotional presence builds the feeling of safety to share our authentic selves and be accepted.

Acceptance is the second most valuable thing to sustaining a relationship. It is only achieved though when both parties can be their authentic selves. For us to be authentic we have to trust that we will be held in love.

We must be willing to be seen fully in all ways. Like my tantra teacher from year ago says, “Are you ready to be naked in all ways.”

This statement is about showing up as your true self with no masks. Allowing our depths of soul, emotion, heart as well as body to be seen and loved.

It only works though if both parties in the relationship are on board and willing to give and receive this. Which leads us to the third most important thing in long term success: working on yourself.

Biggest challenges

One of the biggest challenges in couple-hood is when one partner is growing and the other chooses not to grow.

Healthy relationships that are “turned on” come from two authentic individuals that are already complete in themselves coming together out of the desire to share themselves and enhance each other’s lives, not complete each other.

These individuals understand the importance of not sacrificing self for anything. They cherish their own personal growth as well as the growth of the couple-hood and are constantly looking for ways to do just this.

They understand that there will be points in the relationship where one partner will not grow as fast as the other or that this may mean that they are not growing in the same departments as each other.

They accept this but keep the focus where it needs to be; on self-awareness, growth, and love. This reflects back to the relationship and helps to create a relationship on fire.

Personal growth and not sacrificing self for the relationship also creates mystery. We are human beings who are always changing unless we choose not to.

The mystery is needed in a relationship so that the sexual flames do not dwindle.

If we become too comfortable in knowing our partner yes there is intimacy, however, we have also prevented our partner to show up as their authentic selves at the moment by having the expectation that they will remain always the same.
Being the same always and forever becomes boring and with boredom, the mystery is lost.

There is no new land to discover in our lover’s internal realms. Men and women alike need comfort and a feeling of safety but we also need adventure and mystery.

Mystery means that there is always a new land to conquer for men and new saga for women.

It means playfulness, adventure, learning, sharing and growing. It does not mean drama or trauma.

Although these often take place in life and they serve a purpose but they do not add to the flames of passion in a relationship.

The mystery is the land where desire is birthed.

Over and over again I hear the couple’s in my practice saying, “I just want to be desired by my spouse.” When we are not feeling desired we start to question everything.

What’s wrong with me?

Is my partner cheating on me?

Is this relationship over?

Partner Cheating

And so many other questions. When we feel a lack of desire coming from our partner we tend to want to just cry and throw the towel in you could say.

We might try and figure out what is happening but, if our partner does not share where they are at then we are left with a state of hopelessness and loss.

I have found that when desire dwindles in a relationship that there is often a good reason for it.

It can be back to point one which is that the relationship has served its purpose and it is time to let go, or that there is so much trauma and bitterness between the couple that there is deep healing that needs to happen.

Perhaps one person is just not healthy physically and if taking certain medications might find that there is little to no desire or libido; whatever the reason for the loss of desire the couple must commit to figuring out why it is there and work on rekindling it if they truly want to maintain a fairy tale romance.

To rekindle desire, each person needs to do their own healing work on all levels.

They must commit to make each other a priority and invest time on the relationship. Meaning that they need to date each other, do playful things, focus on laughter and spontaneity.

Get out of the comfort zones that we create in our relationships and explore life and each other again like you were newlyweds.

Read More: Five Things To Consider During Sex Without Hurting Your Partner’s Ego

In conclusion, reality does not need our permission it just is. It requires each of us to be aware of these six focal points: relationship authenticity, emotional presence, acceptance of self and partner, personal-growth, mystery and desire for us to have a turned on and sustainable love-based relationship with our partner.

No matter how long the relationship may last these key elements are where our relationship happiness and success stem from.

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Author

Kendal Williams

Kendal Williams is a real life sex and relationship educator, abundance coach, author, mother of 7 and lover of life. She is known for

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