We’ve all been there…we’ve all had the experience. Bad sex. Unexciting sex. Unrewarding sex. Pretend sex.
Now that sex is available in all its forms, e-24/7, via the internet, dating sites and even with real people, sex is no longer the forbidden subject, the long-hoped-for experience which causes schoolboys to yearn and schoolgirls to cross their legs in an embarrassment of unusual tingling.
Sex is everywhere, so it’s good to critique it. BUT, can you take healthy criticism in bed without more than a pang to your bruised ego?
An excellent way to approach this scenario, which becomes increasingly likely the longer you’re in a relationship, is to remember that anyone critiquing on any subject is not directing it to you personally but rather to what ‘it’s been done’ and that it’s only their point of view.
In fact, they are only critiquing something you do, because it might not resonate with them; it doesn’t necessarily mean that what you’re doing is wrong.
Especially in the case of physical intimacy, what such criticism most often means is that the particular thing you are doing, may just not be working for them, at least when it comes to the bedroom matters.
Maybe it’s the precise spot where you’re touching and kissing…perhaps you’re missing the spot; or maybe because when you’re satisfied, you don’t work hard enough to ensure that your partner is satisfied.
I can’t be in bed with you, so I can’t tell you precisely. But if there’s criticism, then the best way to find out what’s going ‘wrong’….not necessarily ‘wrong’, perhaps just slightly miss-directed, is to have an honest and open discussion.
Yes, I know the bedroom should be a place where you watch TV in cold weather… Where you can dance when no one is watching… Where you spend safe time with your lover… but let’s face it, when it comes to love making we can all learn a few more tricks every now and again, and a healthy criticism can contribute to the expanding your sexual repertoire.
Let’s now address one of the major obstacles to good, enjoyable, teeth-clenching sex…. it’s the Ego…It’s Pride…. it’s the inability to communicate.
Sex used to be a little more than a physical act, but now that it’s ubiquitous, open, honest and everywhere, so much more is expected of sexual partners.
It’s a sad fact that intercourse is not the key to most women’s sexual satisfaction and that only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. This statistic leaves 75% to
- Fake it to end an unsatisfactory sex session,
- Rush it so she can get to watch ‘that show on Netflix’
- Left to feeling used and say nothing
- Play with themselves and make sure they too reach an orgasm by using self-stimulation.
So for the boys out there, reading this article, please! Please! Remember that the ego is a ‘success inhibitor’ and can kill opportunities.
Get off the ‘ego horse’ if you want to lead a healthy relationship with your lady and look for little signs, be open to transparent communication.
What gets in the way of a woman’s total enjoyment of sex, is too often a man’s ego; his pride, his inability to communicate or accept criticism and this is why the majority of women won’t say anything simply because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s ego.
Most of the time they even forget to ask the simple question, “oh, darling, did you cum?” Or “Is there anything I can do to improve?” Or “What would you like me to do next time?”
An unhealthy ego has a little voice, and it whispers ‘hey you did pretty well!”
And unfortunately, more often than not makes you forget about your partners?
We forget to take into consideration the difference between a healthy and unhealthy pride. (Ego)
Healthy Pride (HP) is about self-confidence; motivation, respect, and honesty. It’s that sense of enthusiasm to improve anything that life throws at you and of course accept that what works for some people might just not work for others, especially in the relationship?
An HP represents a positive idea of self-worth and is based on past experiences, which you’ve led for your most fruitful lessons in life, so upbringing is important.
An HP makes it easy to accept that sometimes we just ‘don’t know what we don’t know’ and that it doesn’t matter so long we have the desire to make it work and develop.
Having an HP helps understand that at any stage in life we can still improve, learn and practice, not to make it perfect, but only to make it better for ourselves and for the person we are sharing physical, mental and emotional times with.
The opposite of this is Unhealthy Pride, (ego), which reveals an inflated evaluation of self; potentially leading to unfulfilled experiences in life and therefore one becomes defensive when constructive criticism is given. It makes it harder to maintain a healthy relationship let alone a balanced one.
With these individuals, where there should be a ‘win-win’ outcome, particularly in the siren song of the ‘bedroom’ it’s a challenge to accept their destructive egomania, because that will ultimately lead to resentment.
Not being able to communicate with your partner makes it difficult to grow in any way and a little work is required if you want this relationship to improve and succeed in the long term. Oh ok some times a lot of work is require!
Determining the sensitivities of the person you’re with is of the greatest importance, as you need to consider the deep and intimate feelings of whom you are speaking with.
Face it, sex is the most basic and primal of all needs, and criticising a person’s sexual abilities or techniques, undermines the very essence of their maleness or femaleness.
As a rule of thumbs always remember, that ‘IT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAY that will have a significant effect on people, but rather it’s THE WAY YOU SAY IT.’
Here are 5 points to consider before you approach your partner. Regardless of whether they fall into the ‘Healthy Pride’ or ‘Unhealthy Pride’ if you practice these simple rules you can’t go wrong and if it all fails you might want to take a closer look at the relationship and evaluate it outside the bedroom.
Verbal, physical or even mentally are straightforward tools but do not forget that you need a gentleness of the tone you use to speak your words
Starting every sentence with …I enjoyed XY and YZ and would love it if you can perhaps touch me here, as that is a huge turn on…
It’s important to elevate other actions that he/she might have done in the past that you enjoyed, then gently guide them towards what you like. Guarantee success! I call this massaging their ego, and it applies to both genders.
3. Body Language
Softly take his or her hands kissing them first (an indication of love and acceptance) and tenderly guide it through where your body likes to be touched but make sure that you stop, at least two stops before the big one so it would sound like. …Hmmm that is nice ….ooh now you are going places …Oh “use their nick name, if it applies” yes OH you got that right!
Perhaps end with a cheeky smile and a kiss on his/her fingers, (do this as a thank you gesture) You’ve got yourself a winner!
For more information check my upcoming book “IQ Eroticism”.
This book will make it easier to enjoy and share with your lover, partner, husband, and wife the sometimes-hard topics of what to do in bedroom.
It deals with excellent ways to teach one another what is it you like the most in bed and what would you like to try. This will make guess-sex-life in the bedchamber a thing of the past! And will bring intimacy and playfulness back into your lives.
For more information, please go www.intellectualeroticism.com
Sexual body language is one of the most powerful tools you can learn, and we all practice it.
All we have to do is to become aware of when we do it and what results we get, be aware that some ‘signal’ might not be read properly so make a little game and see what works best for you, remember not to lead anyone anywhere you do not wish to take them.
Making the most of this to lead your partner on in the bedroom, but on the other hand, it can be ‘exquisitely-satisfaction-guarantee’ but remember it’s a two-way street.
On What He/She Is Doing That Works For You: Telling you SO what it is they are doing right by you it’s as imperative as letting them know what doesn’t work.
Reaching a point of ecstasy or orgasm is important not only for your wellness but the bond that this creates between you two.
The sense of belonging increases, the feeling of being reliable and the ability to reach a compromise is what helps relationships stay together.
Three, four and five are highly recommended to those with an ‘Unhealthy Pride’ as these are ways that you can alleviate the delivery.
For the record, some men seem to think that all is over when they are done, and some women seem to think that is ok to let this be.
Also taking the other person in the relationship into consideration and accept their likes and dislike, making sure they are ok by asking Is this ok with you? That this works?
This is absolutely crucial for a long and healthy relationship.
Feature Image: Shutterstock.com
In-Post Image: Shutterstock.com