When I was a kid, and I’d complain about being bored, my dad would say “You’re bored because you’re boring!” I hated hearing that.
But now as an adult, what has stuck with me about what he was getting at, is that I am responsible for the level of excitement, passion, pleasure, and fun in my life, and that includes in my relationship.
It’s no one else’s job to make sure I’m not bored. Not even my partner’s. Amazing things happen when we take responsibility for our own satisfaction… We become more satisfied, for one!
In my work with women, as a life coach focused on sexuality, spirituality, and body image, I often hear women complain of a lack of desire, heat or passion in their marriages.
Sure, things were hot in the beginning, but after a couple of kids, mortgages, car payments, taxes, job stress, weight gain, receding hair lines and dipping hormone levels, whatever… in the immortal words of the Righteous Brothers, “You’ve lost that loving feeling…”
Can you relate? Before you throw in the towel, seduce the pool boy, or hire a lawyer, you must understand, you are far more powerful than you realize, and you can bring more pleasure, fun, and heat into your sex life, starting tonight!
These tips will cost you nothing but your boring sex life! Worth a try, right?
1. Speak up.
What do you want? What would you like to try? What turns you on? For many of us, it’s difficult to boldly share what we desire.
Especially if we’ve spent our lives as “pleasers.” (Recovering People Pleaser, here!) It takes courage to express a desire, yet most partners would probably love to know what they can do for us, and what turns us on.
Whether it’s a long-held erotic fantasy, or an in the moment ‘a little to the left, please’, working your request muscle may take some effort in the beginning, and be uncomfortable, but the payoff is deeper intimacy.
2. Leave the lights on.
75% of lovers surveyed have sex with the lights off all of the time. Yet therapists and sex educators offer good reasons for keeping them on, including deeper connection and intimacy.
If your lights are too bright or brash, consider a softer lower watt bulb in one of your bedroom lamps, or Himalayan salt lamp or candles for warm amber ambience and better visibility.
3. Change the scenery.
The bedroom is nice and comfy too, but routines can create stagnation. What about a quickie in the laundry room? A bathroom tryst while getting ready for work? A sofa romp while you “Netflix and chill”.
There’s something so spicy about a location change, even if it’s just in another room in the house.
4. Make peace your body.
Studies have proven that there is a direct correlation with a woman’s body image and the level of pleasure and satisfaction she experiences in bed. With 91% of American women dissatisfied with their bodies, this issue runs deep and pervasively.
Changing the way you feel about your body starts with conscious practices and un-conditioning of those well-worn pathways, thoughts, and feelings.
If loving your body feels like a stretch for you right now, even just calling a truce with your body on a regular basis can begin to shift and increase our capacity for sexual pleasure and better orgasms – it’s science!
5. Switch up the ‘rules’.
It’s natural for partners to slip into roles when it comes to getting it on. He makes the first move. She responds a certain way to let him know she’s in the mood.
While our roles, like our routines, can give us a sense of comfort and reliability they can also trace back right to the very root of our boredom. The good news is, that’s pretty easy to fix. How can you change the rules with your partner? What if you initiated this time?
6. Ask and listen.
When’s the last time you checked in with your partner about what turns them on or what they desire in bed with you? I know that certain things, scenarios, and objects of my fantasies that I used to find hot no longer do it for me, and the same is probably true for you.
Might it be time to find out what your partner is into?
7. Stop the comparison game.
No one wins. Theodore Roosevelt said, “comparison is the thief of joy.” This definitely applies to how we think about our sex lives.
So often, our current feelings have less to do with what’s going on now, and more to do with comparing the now to the past, old lovers, who we used to be, what things were like in the beginning, or what our bodies were once able to do.
The truth is, if you’ve been with your partner any numbers of years, some things have changed. And when we keep comparing our sex lives to what they were, we miss out on what is available to us now, in the present.
Mindfulness techniques work well here. When you find yourself comparing, bring yourself to the present, to the efforts and intentions of your partner, to the pleasure available to you now, today… or tonight!
Instead of looking at boredom as a “kiss of death” or beginning of the end in your relationship, think of it this way: Boredom is an invitation. An invitation to innovate, experiment, stretch and grow with your partner.
It doesn’t cost anything to try these simple tips, and your sex life can improve immediately. A shift here, a shift there, and better sex for the both of you is yours for the making.
Featured Image: Shutterstock
In-Post Images: Shutterstock
 The Association Between Sexual Satisfaction and Body Image in Women https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2874628/