“The way a man penetrates the world should be the same way he penetrates his woman: not merely for personal gain or pleasure, but to magnify love, openness, and depth.” -David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
I sit with a male sex coaching client and he tells me all about how his wife has dramatically changed over the last few years, which has him greatly concerned and also has him feeling frustrated. He explains how, when they first married, his wife was upbeat and fun to be around, had a high sex drive, and was full of energy in her life. But, then, he describes a woman that, only a few years later, now, has a low sex drive, sometimes experiences pain during sex, is low energy, moody, and simply does not have her old optimistic attitude. As I dig deeper into his sex life, the reason for these sudden changes begin to unfold before me as I am told about a lack of sex in the marriage due to the daily demands of stress and children. When sex is happening, it’s usually only between 15 and 20 minutes, never involves cuddling, and is always climax-focused for both him and his wife. He states, “But it’s not like she is not orgasming, she always has a clitoral orgasm.” I chuckle as we spend the remainder of the session talking about the mysterious female body and the difference between all right sex and soul-shaking sex, and the great importance of the latter.
Unfortunately, the above is a common scenario in today’s bustling world of technology and responsibilities. We only want to participate in fast, results-focused activities, and this has permeated our sex lives with extremely negative consequences that span our health and well-being. When your woman isn’t getting enough Oxytocin, then she is going to be depleted. The woman in the above situation is a prime example of what happens to women when they are not having proper sex and connection. These are the women that may have many physical ailments, often they are struggling with mental health issues, such as anxiety & depression, are just generally moody and feel unfulfilled, and have lost their sex drives or, at least, their sex drive is simply mediocre.
Are you filling your woman up? Or leaving her depleted?
Oxytocin is referred to as the “love” hormone because it is released during cuddling, touching, and orgasm. This hormone is produced by our hypothalamus and is released into the bloodstream, brain, and spinal cord. This is the hormone that bonds newborn babies to their mothers while breastfeeding and also why sex can be such a connective and bonding experience. Ever wonder why that amazing night of sex with a “cool and independent” woman changed her to “clingy and smothering?” Well, a piece of that could be due to you having released some connection chemicals that have bonded you together.
The mechanical actions of penetration are not enough to truly douse your female counterpart’s brain in enough yummy chemicals. It takes a certain kind of sex and connecting to really provide your woman with all the benefits of this hormone. And let me tell you something. If you are a male, then you want your woman to be experiencing all the benefits of Oxytocin, because, at the end of the day, her Oxytocin-saturated brain is going to be a greater gift to you than you could have ever imagined.
So What Are The Benefits?
Penetrate Deeper – Oxytocin is most prevalent when a woman is in a relaxed state, and it is no surprise that in this same state, a woman’s cervix will also move back to accommodate her man in a deeper way during sex. This hormone intensifies a woman’s arousal and so this means that you will be able to penetrate her on a deeper physical level. This allows more sensation for you as a man as her body wraps around you. That also means that she will be more likely to be multi-orgasmic in this state of hormonal bliss, which creates a more intense and hot sex life. I don’t know any man that would be opposed to a better sex life!
Go Even Deeper– If you want a woman totally in love with you, then help her release Oxytocin. During sex or cuddling, a woman that is releasing this hormone is going to be able to drop deeper, not just into her body physically, but also deeper into her heart. Although many men have cut themselves off from some of the more emotional aspects of sex through the misuse of porn and masturbation, I can promise that heart-connected sex is better for all involved, and as a man, you yourself will find that you are better able to drop into your own body. All because you took the time to get your woman’s chemicals activated.
Not only will this help you both go emotionally deeper, but studies have also shown that due to Oxytocin being a bonding chemical, women who are having frequent sex with a partner, and thus are bonded, tend to be more committed and monogamous in that relationship. All because they are feeling bonded and receiving all the unconscious benefits of soul-shaking sex. So those men out there that are insecure about their gorgeous woman leaving them for another man, well, make sure you are providing her with what she needs in the chemical department, and you can release some of that worry.
Increased Moods – Often, men come to me as a Sex Coach and discuss how their woman is moody. Studies have begun to show that increased levels of Oxytocin in the female body can dramatically decrease* levels of anxiety and depression. Women who have adequate amounts of Oxytocin will have increased levels of optimism and self-esteem. This will have an impact on your relationship because she will be feeling more confident in herself and the world. As a man, just think of the benefits this can have in your daily life and on your personal mood because you won’t have to sort through her moodiness. The beauty of this is that a truly fulfilled woman can hold onto these effects for days if she has truly received enough Oxytocin.
Increase* in her Sex Drive & Energy– If you want more sex and a woman that simply has more energy, then Oxytocin is where it is at! When women are low on Oxytocin, they have low libidos and often report feeling physically drained. But, a woman that is saturated in this hormone is ravenous in the bedroom. These chemicals will also linger in the brain, especially if the body has been receiving an adequate supply, which means your woman will stay ravenous, playful, and energetic for lots of play. From personal accounts, I can tell you that women full of Oxytocin usually wear their men out sexually and tend to be unquenchable in the sex drive department. So, instead of having to beg for sex from your woman, she will be the one initiating.
Help Her Look & Feel Her Best, Physically– Oxytocin is a miracle hormone that can protect our hearts due to certain portions of the heart that have Oxytocin receptors, which decreases* blood pressure and creates more flexible vessels, deterring potential heart-related issues. Not only does it help with her heart, but will also help decrease* cravings for sweets, drugs, and alcohol that could potentially be your woman’s way of substituting for lack of this lovely hormone. If that wasn’t enough to convince you, then it also decreases* the production of cortisol and has been shown to keep excess weight off. Most men that truly love their woman are going to want her body to be functioning at its prime capacity, and are going to want her to feel good in her body. So that is just one more reason to treat* your woman with this lovely hormone.
Okay, I get it, but how?
As humans, we have been created with a multitude of ways to release Oxytocin into out brains and bodies. Activities such as exercise, crying, meditating, and giving all release some Oxytocin, but these are all aspects that you can suggest to your woman, but not things that you can do to help. As a man, there are several ways in particular that you can help your woman directly to get this yummy chemical release.
Cuddling/Touch & Kissing: Sex is great, but the first thing you need to do to get your woman’s hormones moving is to spend time cuddling her and giving her simple touch. This goes for hugs throughout the day that are deeper and more purposeful, caressing her body, and giving her kisses which will relax her system and allow for the chemicals to flow. Although touch and cuddling throughout the day are very helpful, taking the devoted time to truly cuddle and just be together as a couple is great, not just for her Oxytocin, but for you as a couple. If you are taking a few minutes to devote to yourselves, then you will both be able to relax more fully together.
Listening: This one is simple. When we feel heard and acknowledged, we get positive feelings of being seen and heard. So take the time to turn off all electronics and truly connect as a couple. Make time to not just hear, but also truly listen to your woman, because she can sense the difference. This simple tip will take you a long way in more ways than with just her Oxytocin, but that will be a great side effect.
Words of Encouragement: Yep, you heard it right. By simply saying nice things to your partner, you can help in this process. Remember, Oxytocin is all about love and so when we feel loved, our brains start releasing. This should be used throughout the day and also in the midst of cuddling, touch, and sex. When someone says something nice about us, we get a dose of Oxytocin. But with all the negative feedback we get from our lives each day, your woman is going to consistently need these positive words. This is an amazing technique to use to get her ready for any sexual play.
Soul-Shaking Sex: Did you know that it takes a woman 20-45 minutes before she is truly ready for penetration? This means that foreplay is a MUST! If your sex is any shorter than that, then she is not getting the ability to truly drop down into her body and tune into what is going on, and her genitals are not prepared for a deeper type of orgasm. Clitoral orgasms are great, yes, believe me, they really are, and this type of orgasm will release chemicals into the female brain, but if you truly want all the benefits listed above, then you need to be taking the time to explore one of the other 12+ types of orgasms that are out there for women. Most of the time, women say they can only have clitoral orgasms because they haven’t been given the proper time and relaxation to truly experience orgasms, such as g-spot and cervical. These orgasms can create a deeper, longer, and more fulfilling chemical release that will last days instead of a few hours. By helping to relax your woman prior to penetration, taking your time during sex, and being present in the moment, your woman can begin to have soul-shaking sex where she is experiencing multiple orgasms. This connection during sex will counteract any Oxytocin issues, but will also be helpful to your relationship overall!