You look fine, there is nothing wrong with you. Able body you can work, and help your family. These words will always ring in my mind. Being bi-polar is a way of life well for me it is. I can tell you that once you know what is happening it doesn’t change the fact that you are normally of more than one mind.
When I was Diagnosed – I was TERRIFIED!!!
A simple question for some will take hours for you to figure out. When I found out I was bi-polar when after I had my first child. They told me I had post-partum and that I was bi-polar.
The first thing they wanted to do was lock me up. I was TERRIFIED!!! This seems to be the answer to the world. Lock up the people that are crazy. Yes I call myself that because they really thought I was. The truth was I just couldn’t get all my thoughts in one place.
And This Lead me to Gain Weight
They then decided I should be on medicine for the condition. Here is the trouble with that. The medicine had side effects. I will get back to those in a moment. The medicine they wanted me on was lithium, this drug is known to cause serious side effects like hypothyroidism (which can make you gain weight).
Other side effects were diabetes insipidus, which can mess up your kidneys. I found these all out after I was placed on the drug. The second drug they put me on was Zoloft. This medicine had the same side effect of weight gain. The doctors didn’t seem to care that I was gaining the weight, just that I was happy about it.
Trouble with the combination of medicines was they turned me into a zombie. Not a brain eating one, but the kind that didn’t care about anything around me.
This is why I believe I don’t have a great bond with my daughter. At the time she was only a few months old and I was so detached that I missed most of her infant days.
A Great Way to Control
When I finally came off the medications another doctor told me I was perfectly normal, no disorders of any kind. I can tell you that the doctor was wrong. I would have times were I couldn’t recall a fight when my husband. Then times were I would be doing something with my daughter and have no clue what I was doing.
Without the medications I just kind of floated in my own mind. It was strange to think that I had many voices in my mind. I controlled my bi polar with writing. It was an escape from the voices and everyday life. It might seem strange to some but it was a great way to control the voices.
After almost fifteen years of controlling my disorder I found myself watching my son heading off to school and I broke. I had to go back on medicine to control the voices and manic moments. They tried me on latuda which was alright to start with, but then I started having strange feelings and wanting to harm others.
They finally took me off the medicine and started me on lamotrigine (lamictal). This medicine has been a dream to take, and I don’t feel like a Zombie. So many side effects for drugs and you can’t be sure if they will harm you or help you.
What did I do?
Know your body is the first thing I would tell anyone. Keep a journal of what you are feeling, just be sure to have someone that you trust to read it. Always keep appointments with doctors and talk to a therapist.
I know it seems insane to spill your guts to a stranger, but once you get to know that person it will feel like second nature to have someone that will hear you and not judge you for what you think. Find an outlet for your rage, fear, any feelings you might have.
Writing and drawing have been mine for many years. I am not the best at drawing but I love to doodle. Simple things help when you are in a mixed up mind.
Don’t let others judge you for having a disorder you can’t control. Many people will tell you that you are fine, that on the outside you are normal.
Bringing It All Together
Those people will never understand what is running around in your mind. If you believe you have bi polar I suggest talking to someone. A therapist to start then to a doctor. It is a big step for some and once you find the right fit you will feel much better.
Bi polar is a disorder that can be controlled if you wish it to be. I have controlled mine for years but sometimes it does peek out and scream at me. Racing thoughts, horrible dreams and the way I speak to my family hurts me.
It isn’t that I want to do these things it is who I am. I want to be sure that you all know that it is okay to be who you are. Find those that will understand that and be happy with who you are, don’t let the world dictate who you should be.
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