“There I stand looking in the mirror as I brush my teeth. I am noticing how frumpy I look and exhausted I feel at this hour but, even more so I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed with the thoughts of everything that I had needed to get taken care of and never found the time for that will now move to my things to do list tomorrow. My husband walks in the bathroom behind me saying something that I cannot really hear over the brushing and swishing of my oral care. I spit in the sink and ask him what he said. He rattles something back about the day and shutting down the house for bed. I pick up a washcloth and bend over to wash my face, my husband comes up behind me, grabs hold of my hips and squeezes, then slaps my bottom and gives me a look.
I can tell that he wants sex. Lord, I don’t! My body is tired and my mind is wandering and stressed about the day to come. I feel no turn on in this moment but look at my husband as he pulls his underwear off and gets into bed. Suddenly I feel like I need to do this one last chore of the day and “take care of his needs.” I figure that if I go along with it, even act like I am into it or want it that he will come a little quicker and I can be asleep in the next 15 minutes or so.
Walking over to his side of the bed with a smile on my face, I lean over and kiss him as I run my hand down his stomach and start to play with him. He quickly becomes sexual aroused and encourages me to go down on him for some oral action. Knowing how much he loves this and how it will quicken the process of having actual intercourse I take him in my mouth and happily (or so he thinks) begin my tease to bring him close. I know that he will want full on intercourse when he gets closer because it’s been over a week since we had sex and he will want to have full union in his pursuit to feel like he did his job in connecting with me and hopefully giving me an orgasm of my own. As things move along, we end up in missionary position. He takes a moment to go down on me but I know that he is really not all that into this and is only trying to make me feel good. He spends a tenth of the time down on me as I did on him and then jumps to what he feels will seal the deal on our sexing and give us both an orgasm. He quickly penetrates me, thrusts himself back and forth in a rhythm that he enjoys but forgets to check in to see what is happening with me. I close my eyes and wait for things to get closer to being over. I know his patterns well enough that I know that if I start to breathe a little faster, turn my head back and open my mouth, maybe tense up my hands or legs he will feel like he is getting me there. It does not take but a few minutes of this acting to assure him that he is on the right path and excite him all the more.
My body could not be more excited for it to be over because with every thrust I feel burning and itching, a tightness and dryness in my vagina. I want to hold my breath because the irritation of the sex is too much. I cannot feel him connecting to me, I do not feel his love, all I feel is him wanting to climax and thinking that this mechanical display of sexing is actually, doing something. With each stroke I find myself not only in more physical irritation but now starting to be emotionally upset that he has not noticed or cared to pay attention to the fact that I am not into it. I wonder how many times will we have empty sex before he notices or wants a change? Or will he just settle for this mechanical masturbation that is a sheer hoax of the real thing?
Stroke after stroke, he faithfully works to get me over his illusion of my orgasmic edge. As I throw my hair around, moan, flex my vaginal muscles by doing some kegels and scratch at him he finds himself certain that I am having an orgasm. He then helps us both out by sharing some fantasy talk that heightens his arousal and brings him to his happy ending, breathless, lying flat on my stomach and chest. As the cocktail of brain chemicals, including serotonin, oxytocin, norepinephrine and others are released into his system he begins to yawn, kisses me and says, “that was good”. Within moments of moving to his side of the bed all I hear is his snore and I am able to get sleep too. However, first I lay there processing my thoughts and feelings wrapped up around yet another empty sexual encounter with my man.”
- Disconnect from partner.
- Sex that is not wanted or is uncomfortable.
- Casual sex.
- Not wanting to hurt a partner’s ego.
These are the top five reasons that a woman fakes her orgasm. As a culture, we have been programmed to believe that the only good sex is when both parties have an orgasm. What we call an orgasm though is actually a climax and it is the peaking of orgasmic energy that causes a person to experience these ripples, quivers, muscle spasms, quickened breathing and flushing of the skin. Orgasm and climax are not the same thing. They are two separate events that dance together on the ballroom floor of our sexing. Dr. Wilhelm Reich author of “The Function of the Orgasm” made some groundbreaking observations about what true orgasm is and what it does for our health and well-being. As women, we need true orgasm for better mental health, clarity of thinking, increased energy, self-confidence, a sense of freedom and interconnectedness in all of life. Orgasm has powerful positive effects on a woman physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually but, NOT all orgasms are created equal and about 80% of women either deny themselves or are in relationships or sexual situations that deny them of these sort of true orgasms, or any orgasm at all.
Orgasm is a sensation that starts from the first kiss and touch. It multiplies and intensifies as our limbic system relaxes and we allow ourselves to get out of our heads and into our bodies. This takes the average woman 20 to 40 minutes. Even more important to note here, a woman’s body is not ready to be penetrated during this time frame, in fact what she need is touch, kiss, connectedness and play. These items drop her down into her body more and assist her in becoming ready for intercourse. A few strokes of the clitoris with a finger, tongue or vibrator will not speed up the process. She may be able to achieve a clitoral orgasm this way but the more fulfilling variety that opens her up and allows her to surrender to herself and her lover needs to have patience practiced and conscious focus applied.
The above story is one that is a weekly if not daily ritual in many relationships, it is common sexual ground. Being a woman myself and having coached and worked with hundreds of women one on one and in small group events I can attest that it can easily be assumed that 98% of the female population has had or does consistently have “duty sex” and most certainly fake their orgasms for the majority of these events. The sad truth is that every time a woman has duty sex or has sex when she is not 100% into it she is causing a negative vaginal experience for herself and this stores as trauma in her body. Not just anywhere in her body but in her vagina. This is why, so many women may have numbness, tenderness, burning, itching, stabbing or even vaginal dryness during sex.
Society is seeing an increase in vaginal health issues. No longer are the only concerns around cancer, warts, herpes or yeast infections but now many women are experiencing vaginal prolapse, vaginismus, vulvar vestibulitis and many other seemly almost untreatable sexual dysfunctions. Often the cures are focused around surgery of one kind or another and these types of intrusive measures can cause more damage than good leaving the woman in the wake of sexual destruction and years of health complications.
Women have been taught to believe that our sex is for men, if we have a real orgasm then it is a cherry on top of the sundae, however even that is for men. We have been raised to believe that it is our role and responsibility to make sure that your man (whether it be a long-term relationship or a one night stand) experience our rapture so that he will feel good about himself. Often sex moves too quickly for us to be ready for it physically, mentally or emotionally. Many women have come to believe that they are non-orgasmic and do not want to cause their lovers any suffering for what cannot be healed. 70% or more of women never reach orgasm during intercourse and it is estimated that 10-15% suffer from an orgasmia. It is my professional belief through years of work with women that the inability to reach orgasm is based in a lack of education about sex, their bodies and what orgasm and climax are. Women are hardly ever given permission to be sexual creatures or explore their sex freely like men. Add on a healthy dose of sexual shame started in upbringing and you have the perfect recipe to inhibit a woman’s ability to explore and receive pleasure as well as having anxiety around the whole act from performance issues to fear of communicating needs and desires, including the need to say no to “duty sex.” It is my opinion that many negative vaginal experiences and sexual blockages and dysfunctions could be prevented and even healed by women embracing their authentic sexual voice and having the sex they want, when they want instead of feeling the need to “take care” of the man in their lives.
In conclusion, when does a woman fake an orgasm the most? Women across the board fake orgasms for many reasons. From almost a decade of sexual health, education and relationship coaching I have come to believe that the leading reason for women to pull out their best “When Harry Met Sally” moans are when they are having sex out of obligation. Sex that is duty based is disconnected, mechanical and unfeeling. It moves far too quick, never happens at the right time, is often boring as hell and leaves the woman feeling emotionally and physically irritated if not in actual physical pain.
Suggestions to prevent duty sex and have more connected love making.
7 Tips for Partners of Women
- Never guilt your woman into sex. Not even jokingly. We women cannot take a guilt joke when it comes to sex due to us feeling it is our responsibility. We will end up being bitter over the event but still doing it so that we are not feeling bad for saying no, when you made it seem like you were owed sex for something or that we should want it even when we don’t regardless of the man being serious or not about his statement.
- Slow your actions down. If you want sexual play, start earlier in the day or evening. Don’t expect microwaved turn on from your woman. She is not left overs that you need to just zap for 30 seconds to be ready for you. She needs touch, kissing, laughter and a sense that you are present with her. Foreplay is a 24/7 gig gentlemen, it is not just about the 15 minutes before intercourse.
- If you want sex for a stress release and you are looking at your woman’s body as your prozac, then look the other way. This is a perfect opportunity for you to honor and respect both of you and do some self-love instead of using her for a human sized masturbation tool.
- Communicate with your partner. Share with her your desire to be intimate not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. Tell her how you love seeing her and experiencing her in joy. Talk about what her likes and dislikes are in the bedroom as well as yours and focus on the common denominators.
- Establish a language of respect. What I mean here is come up with a few words to let each other know quickly where you are at sexually in your interest level. And don’t question or push to get your partner to be something that they are not. (see number 1 on guilt)
- Be present when having sex. This is a big one! Men have a tough time not fantasizing during sex or getting wrapped up in the stimulation of one move. When men check in with their woman most rely on what her face is doing. Stop this NOW! Instead check in with your penis. What are you feeling, not just what your feeling but what can you tell from her body wrapped around you. Pay attention to her wetness, here breathing and blushing skin. Not just her moans. Notice if she is a limp noodle or moving with you and participating.
- Connect to her heart through vulnerability. A big one again, this means that you too need to surrender to her. Allow yourself to be seen, felt and heard. Women love it when their tough guy shares his emotions some and lets her into his heart or tells her how deeply she is adored.
My #1 Tip for Women who Fake their Orgasms for ANY Reason
STOP! You’re not doing anyone a favor and least of all yourself. Stop stealing this beautiful gift of health and well-being, pleasure, connection and energy from yourself. You deserve to have lots of orgasms and in all sizes and forms. No matter how much you don’t want to burst his ego, or you are nervous about saying no to duty sex or sex that you are not 100% on board with – JUST SAY NO. If you are having a tough time achieving orgasm and you need more time, more kissing, more oral stimulation, a different position or what have you, it is high time that you start asking for what you need and want and make sure that you assist your lover in helping you get there by being authentic and communicating. If your man won’t support your orgasm efforts and come to your aid or gives you hell for saying no or for asking for what you need then you are with the wrong man and it is time to move on. The right man wants his lady in authentic rapture and he is willing to do whatever is needed on his part to make it happen, even if that means self- loving himself when you are not in the mood.