The Technology Talk – The Role of Technology in Your Relationship

Written by - Reviewed by Consumer Health Digest Team

Published: May 3, 2018 | Last Updated: Aug 3, 2019

The Role of Technology in Your Relationship

Technology, for better or for worse, has become a part of everyday life. No surprise there. What is surprising, however, is that some people desire the use of their phone over sex, which is what a survey of more than 1,000 people found. That’s right, 15% of respondents said they would rather give up sex than go without their iPhone for a weekend. Needless to say, sexual connection faces a tough competition against our hand-held devices.

As you read this on your phone or computer, have you ever considered if the technology is overshadowing physical and emotional connection in your relationship? Is it under control or have you allowed it to run rampant? I encourage you to have a serious talk with your partner to discuss technological boundaries, which can then help you both to prevent technology from eroding your relationship.

To get started, set aside at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time (yes that means phones down) to thoroughly consider what role you and your partner want technology to play in your relationship. Although your conversation may last longer than 30 minutes and take you to other areas of the relationship, try to stay focused on the topic of technology. To help guide you through your technology talk, consider the following questions:

Where can you Use Technology?

In the same survey mentioned above, 25% of the respondents said they ?almost always? use their phones in a social setting. How do you feel about where you or your partner can use the phone or computer? Is it OK to use your cell phone at the dinner table or when you are with family? You may even be like the 85% of respondents who have used their phone while in the bathroom (don’t scoff, I know you’ve done it). Sure it’s fine to do a quick check on social media when you are needing a bit of time on the toilet, but how long are you in there ?using the bathroom? but really checking Facebook? Fifteen minutes? Half an hour? That time can really add up and take away valuable time in your day and from your relationship.

Use Technology

A notable area to create boundaries is inside the bedroom, which should be a relaxing space for sleeping and connecting. With technology in the bedroom, the connection between hands and phone or computer can get in the way of the connection with your partner. Ask yourselves, do you consider it is OK to check e-mail or Twitter on your phone or computer in bed? Perhaps you both decide it’s OK to use a phone, computer or TV to watch porn as a sexual desire tool while in bed, but in general its best if the bedroom is a tech-free zone. Otherwise, you or your partner might look at Reddit for an hour instead of having an awesome sex or cuddle session, which fuels oxytocin and helps strengthen the bond between you.

When can you Use Technology?

Not only is discussing tech-free and tech-permissible zones a good idea, but it is also valuable to discuss the time spent using technology. While you may decide with your partner that technology is permissible in the bedroom or other times throughout the day, is there a time limit? It may sound silly to set a time limit but I am sure we have all experienced being sucked into the Bermuda Triangle of Facebook, YouTube, or other similar Internet black hole with no awareness of how much time has passed. I’m not saying you can never check your phone when you’re with your partner – that would be unreasonable. But setting time constraints can be beneficial.

You can even take the advice of Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus on their Minimalist Podcast where they set a designated time for media. For example, you could have Media Mondays where every Monday from 7- 8 PM you and your partner can get lost in that Technology Bermuda Triangle. In general, you need to be cognizant about how your time on the phone or computer is eating away at the time you could spend with your partner. If you aren’t careful, your partner may start to feel like the third-wheel and resentment can build, which is the death to the closeness of a relationship.

Who can you Connect With Using Technology?

Connect With Using Technology
After the What and When are settled with your partner, the last area of your talk with your partner that vital to discuss is the ?who? when it comes to interacting with people through technology. There are often clearer boundaries for what it is considered cheating in regards to physical touch, such as a kiss or having sex, but have you discussed the boundaries when it comes to e-mails, phone calls, texts, etc.? Chatting with someone even though it’s not face-to-face can be a dangerous game. Maybe you decide communication via technology is OK but the content may determine whether the line has been crossed. It is up to you and your partner to decide what is acceptable in your relationship.

Trying Out the New Rules

Once you are both done with the technology talk and agree to the new guidelines, it’s important to test things out. Take at least two weeks to implement the changes and to see what works and what doesn’t work. Maybe you find that saying no to phones during dinner sounded like a good idea but then you both realize you like to refer to your phones to supplement your discussions. You can then make an adjustment and try that out. You may need to make several adjustments before finding the right balance for the relationships. And changes may need to be made as life changes.

The Takeaway?

Although we all sit down with technology nearly every day (OK let’s be honest, it’s daily for many of us), it is important to discuss with your partner when, how often, where and with what people it is OK to use and communicate with via technology. Be reasonable, be prepared to make some compromises and adjustments, and revisit the topic every so often because needs will likely change. Once you have set these guidelines, it will be easier to feel comfortable about the role technology plays in your relationship and to not feel like it’s out of control.

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